A DOUBLE EDGED SWORD!
Marriage is one of the oldest social institutions,which has stood the test of time but has undergone a triphasic change over the last few decades,and now its very existence is being threatened by the demon of Divorce
The divorce rate is increasing and this increase is being appreciated in all strata of the society(Chop and change-The Sexes,THE WEEK,September 15,2008)
Though it is a very welcome relief,for the ladies,who often had to continue to be abused,mentally,financially,physically and even sexually in a so called marraige,just for the lack of courage or opportunity to demand and get a Divorce! Today,divorce and even re-marraige are being accepted by the society,and the two major factors that made it possible,are woman empowerment, and financial Independence and the social acceptance.But everything good has a flip side too.The Independence of woman,the ease in getting a divorce and re marraige,are a great deterrent to adjustments,compromises and in fact are redefining the definition of a marraige !
Originally the marriage had fixed water tight roles ,consisting of a man who provided the protection and was almost the master,of his wife who obeyed without questioning his supremacy.
As times passed and poeple became educated,the marriage saw a welcome change of companionship between the spouses with a willing agreement of sharing the responsibilities of the family,in and outside the house
And the third change ,which has recently creeped in,has reduced marriage to a undesireable state of contract of convenience where two independent individuals spend time under the same roof,often supposedly,leading their own lives,without any emotional bond or social obligation,and with ever-ready bags to move out,not only of the house but the life of the spouse.
The major reason of this is the upwardly mobile attitude of man and woman,with career taking over family and money over emotions.The woman is no longer dependent on the man,and either can buy any pleasure in life ,even though temporarily ,by virtue of their money or status.With surrogate mothers and artificial insemination,and easy laws of adoption even the biological reason of reproduction,for marraige has been terminated.
This is however a very sad state of affairs,as independent or single living lasts till one is young,Divorce not only has a unrepairable detremental impact on the kids but leaves the person desperately lonely in old age ,to die alone in an old age home or a five star nursing home!
Every person should work hard in their relationship with their spouse to keep the marriage happily on,and to fight this alarmingly increasing incident of divorce
Dr Sanjay Kapoor Lucknow
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20 comments:
I strongly feel society needs to realize at the earliest that we need to put in all the efforts to re-engineer this institution of marriage because its breakdown is undoubtedly the largest component both in precipitating and perpetuating many mental health disorders.
Three activities that are exclusive to humankind are marriage, prayer and laughter. We need to do well in all these three to optimize our potentials and they seem quite interrelated.
Dr Asim Goshal
I cudnt agree more
sanjay
Super conservative view. Now folks from both sexes increasingly prefer companionship.
Dr Ashwani agarwal
YOU MEAN COMPANIONSHIP OF OTHER COMPANIONS???
Dr Rajeev ranjan
companionship is good till some stage
later one needs a family to go back to
and then what about kids??????????
one can rarely practice monogamy,for eternity,in live in relationships
think you are right- there are numerous cases of the baraat being returned if a dowry is asked or the girl forced to marry against her wishes- the girls are glorified on tv channels -offered roles in films etc-n this is in india- live in relationships seem to be a better ball game n the young generation isplaying it brazenly here in lucknow which is traditionally a conservative city- marriages will soon die off if they are not already dead-people talking on the contrary are being double faced or have an ostrich mentality.
cheers
Dr Rajeev ranjan
marraige has stood the test of time
arrange marraiges are passe
and i agree to that
that the girl should marry a man of her choice
but it shall take centuries to end marraige
it will break the very fibre of the society
sanjay
Kids are a natural outcome & a part of the companionship as it tends to mature with time-it is not a one night stand but a longlasting tried tested relationship reaching newer n better dimensions as time progresses...
Dr Rajeev ranjan
if ir reaches that stage,then whats the differance from a marraige??????????
These are some legal technical words that one should know- you never know when you might put it to use-----
Ending a Marriage
Various procedures may be used to end a marriage that breaks down, including annulment, separation and dissolution.
Annulment is a court-ordered dissolution of an invalid marriage. Technically called a "Decree of Invalidity," it nullifies a marriage from its inception and is granted in situations where no valid marriage exists because of some legal defect.
A separation may be formalized with a legal contract, or a "Decree of Legal Separation," or both. A legal separation may be preferred to a dissolution for religious, economic or other reasons. A couple may decide to live apart while attempting to save a faltering relationship, or the separation may be an interim step toward termination of the marriage. There is no legal requirement for actual separation before dissolving a marriage.
Oral or written understandings concerning property disposition, arrangements for children, maintenance, or other agreements made while separated may become part of a dissolution proceeding.
If a marriage falls apart and is considered "irretrievably broken," one or both partners may seek a dissolution of the relationship. This court proceeding legally terminates a marriage, and makes provisions for the parenting of minor children, family support, and division of property and liabilities.
In courts now(even in I ndia), a spouse does not have to prove wrongdoing to obtain a divorce (now legally called a "dissolution of marriage"). This no-fault system is intended to help spouses settle matters without unnecessary bitterness or resentment.
CHEERS!!
DR Rajeev Ranjan
IN DEFENSE OF DIVORCE:
Sanjay
This discussion is all well and good and one always hopes that marriage is a long-lasting and blissfull journey. In my opinion, that is a simplistic view of a very complex relationship that has many layers and facets. The only way for it to work is for the decision to marry be made by individuals, who are mature, have experienced the world enough to know what they want and don't want out of life, have mutual repsect for each other and whose friendship (a very important component), gives them the strength to be able to compromise when the situation calls for it. However, this is not always the case and when, despite every effort to make it work has failed, it is healthier for all concerned (again my opinion), including the children, for the couple to part ways in an amicable manner, than to continue living the rest of their lives in acrimony and/or misery. This latter does not and will not give the children a very good example of what constitutes a healthy relationship.
The traditional Indian marriage was arranged, based on social standing etc, not borne out of "love", as it often is in the west (which also has a 50% divorce rate). Yet romance and "love marriages" have always been a fantasy in India, since in real life it was almost impossible and hence has been the subplot of virtually every Bollywood film (!!). We see college kids sneaking off to some hiding place to hold hands. Hopefully, in traditional marriages, the love and companionship would develop over time. But even when it did not, society imposed shackles on the couple and made it taboo to get divorced. The "permissive" West, on the other hand, promotes individuality, with little or no concern for society, resulting very often, in unwanted pregnancies and premature marriages, which in over 50% of the time end in divorce (with all its attendent disruptions and upheavals).
These "society-imposed shackles" in India were what often kept traditional marriages together and gave us a false sense of superiority over the west. The couple give up their individual desires for the sake of society. And who knows, that may be the correct approach, IF you are part of a family, where strife and exploitation do not exist. However, this is often not the case and so the woman spends the rest of her life taking solace in her maternal role under the delusion that this sacrifice is worth it for the children's sake. This is no different from widowed women not being allowed to re-marry and having to spend the rest of their days in a white saree, all "worth it" to keep up appearances for the izzat of her family (Arey bhai! Khandan ki izzat mitti mey mil jaigi!). When I was at AFMC, I had friends in Pune, whose cook was a Bengali woman, who had been married off as a child and her "husband" died before she had even reached puberty, making her a widow for the rest of her life, just because society "frowned" on her if she were to re-marry. This family sort of adopted her and she stayed with them till she died some years ago but she never re-married. It is no different from a woman being expected to commit sati, when her husband died (sure these practices are outlawed in India, but they are still occurring). I had the sad task of taking dying declarations on 2 "dowry deaths", when I was a surgical house officer in Delhi, from young women burned (99-100% BSA)to death by their new "husbands" and mothers-in-law. These issues are not just limited to illiterate villagers. I have also seen wealthy, educated women both in India and in the West, put up with abuse from their husbands for the sole purpose of keeping the family unit together. Fratricide of female fetus' occur in villages and urban settings.
In my opinion, what it really boils down to, is how much we value women in our society. We talk the talk of "maata-ji" etc and have been progressive enough to have had a female PM long before most western nations but yet allow these issues to persist. One of the most important aspects of this issue is the educational and economic subjugation and exploitation of women, which does not allow them any avenue of escape from an abusive relationship. "Keep them illiterate and keep them poor", is often the mantra of chauvenisitic, insecure men, who cannot put up with the concept of being challenged by an educated and articulate woman, all so that the man can continue to be the "master of the house". From a purely common sense perspective, it makes no sense to ignore the intellectual value and "ability to contribute" of ~50% of the population.
I agree that if a woman were to be subservient to the man in his traditional role as "master of the house" and accept whatever abuse/neglect comes her way, so that the expectations of the woman are that low, then the marriage will probably work. And I know the arguments will be made that every woman knows how to control her husband in a subliminal manner and there will no doubt be examples of strong women who have complete control over their husbands (just remember Mysorekar!) but the reality is that in most cases this is not true.
So to all out there who lament the fading of the "traditional" marriage, and the rise of divorce in educated, empowered and emancipated women-if YOU had a young daughters-would you really want your daughters to be uneducated/under-educated and economically without options, so that they can be at the mercy of their "masters"/"swaamis"? This is the true test of where your inner values lie.
It's a little bit like asking someone who claims that he/she is not a racist or as in the case of India, a ?caste-ist/anti-muslim-christian bigot, whether he/she would be okay with his/her child marrying an African or in the case of India, a shudra or a Muslim/Christian, with similar education and values as their child? If the true answer is "no", they are still racist/caste-ist/anti-muslim-christian bigots.
If increasing divorce rates in failed marriages is the price to pay for the education, emancipation and economic empowerment of women, then I say "SO BE IT"!
Once again-my opinions only. Please feel free to comment/argue/disagree.
Rishad
PS: On another note:
There have been a lot of emails flying around about Article 370, Muslim-this, Kashmiri-that, Pakistan-this and terrorist-that, so I thought I would throw that last question out there. Let me preface this by saying that I am not religious in any way. In fact, I am an athiest. But when we start seeing ourselves as Hindus and Muslims and Christians etc, we lose sight of the fact that we are all human beings. Rampant nationalism is only one step away from Nazi-ism. All this flag waving and Jai-Hind stuff is all emblematic of false jingo-istic pride and we should get our own house in order before seeking solace in sloganeering. The recent massacre of Christians in Orrisa, Muslims in Godra and Ayodhya and Sikhs in Delhi(which I witnessed from Holy Family Hospital and treated the victims) after Indira Gandhi's assassination, were all done by rampaging Hindu mobs, so when I see power point presentations extolling the virtues of a tolerant Hindu majority, it rings a little hollow!
Rishad M. Faruqi MBBS, FRCS(Eng), FRCS(Ed)
Department of Vascular and Endovascular Surgery
Kaiser Permanente Medical Center
710 Lawrence Expressway.
Santa Clara CA 95051 (USA)
Phone: (408)851-2315
encore
kim
Dr Khalil I Mathai
Very eloquently said Rishad
Iam in defence of divorce!!
Myonly question is this: Would an Objectivist, who realizes that he only has maybe 20/30more years of life left, and then that's it - game over, divorce and seek out the kind of life he's always wanted, while still staying involved with his kids? Or does he stay in his marriage (there's no argueing - just dull cohabitation) for the sake of his kids mental stability?
DR(CAPTAIN) RAJEEV RANJAN
CONSULTANT ORTHOPEDICS
HARSH HOSPITAL
B2/25 JANKIPURAM RING ROAD
LUCKNOW (UP) INDIA
dear rishad
u hav dealt with the issue at length and beautifully
read budhaus and mathais comments too
in short wud like to add
You are absolutely correct,but you hav taken the extremes of both the ends
I am a great admirer of woman( and have a reputation for that! LOL!!)
and always feel that where ever she is,she does much more than what she is recognized for,leave alone rewarded
I respect woman as much,if not more than god
I am not against divorce
I welcomed the change where it is being accepted by society,and woman are getting the courage to walk out of marriage and sustain
divorce shud be resorted too,when differences are unbearable,and relations sour,to the extent that two people live as strangers under the same roof
but what I meant was,that divorce shud not be the first option to resort to,to solve a problem
many if not all,problems can be sorted out amicably
and yes,when separating,it should be on a mutual pleasant note
Things have changed I India
Arranged marriages are there,but by mutual consent
luv marriages,intercast marriages,re marriages,divorce,re marriage of widows etc are well accepted
and are in vogue
woman empowerment by education,and financial independence is must
but that should give a better understanding and adjustment
any unit,be it work or family,needs compromises,sharing,discipline,and adjustment
without anyone being bossy and anyone being ill treated
and if these re taken care of,marriage can be sustained
made for each other couples,are in fiction only
if spouses dont hav differances,then at least one of them is not exersiizng his or her indivisuality
not all luv marriages are full of luv
and not all arranged marriages are a farce
marrying late is good
but it has a disadvantage too
once u start living alone,independently,and earning,it does become a little tough to accept someone else in the life,and in the house
and adjustments are difficult to make
I wud end by saying,that divorce should be resorted to,to end a dead marriage,but live-in relationships can not replace marriage
marriage,kids,family are what we live for
and in spite of all its sham and druggey,marriage is still a wonderful bond to be in
sanjay
Your statement:
"
Things have changed I India
Arranged marriages are there,but by mutual consent
luv marriages,intercast marriages,re marriages,divorce,re marriage of widows etc are well accepted
and are in vogue"
Do you have any nationwide statistics to support this statement or is this restricted to a small subset of urban India?? I have no doubt that India has changed-somewhat. Every society changes. But the point I was making is that in the majority of the country, exploitation and abuse of women is still rampant and this cuts across all classes, education levels and wealth levels. This happens in the west too, but there are more safeguards that give women the option to divorce their husbands, without being driven into destitution or being ostracized by society at large.
Rishad
Rishad M. Faruqi MBBS, FRCS(Eng), FRCS(Ed)
Department of Vascular and Endovascular Surgery
Kaiser Permanente Medical Center
710 Lawrence Expressway.
Santa Clara CA 95051 (USA)
Rishad
i think this agrement of the middle path would be mot acceptable
one should try to go in for a marraige,whenever he or she finds a partener of choice
and work to maintain the relationship
walking out and divorce should not be postponed for fear or society,in case the marraige doesnt work
regarding the social changes in india,no studies hav been carried out,but one can see it visisbly around
in family,relations and freind circle,almost 50 % marraiges are luv marraiges and intercaste
fare number od divorces
significant re marraiges
and re marraiges are not that widos marry widows or seperated men get seperated women
often,these are not considered at all
and even in aranged marraiges
parents short list 3-4 choices
the boy or girl,choose
and evn have a courtship
and breaking up of formal or in formal engagements is often heard too,if the two dont get along
exploitation of woman is a totally differant thing
and though it is decreasing,it will never stop
its not only in maraige
evn single women are exploited,by boy freinds,second husband,children,first husband,even family memebers and poeple at work
we can just pray for things to change
sanjay
Your statement:
"
Things have changed I India
Arranged marriages are there,but by mutual consent
luv marriages,intercast marriages,re marriages,divorce,re marriage of widows etc are well accepted
and are in vogue"
Do you have any nationwide statistics to support this statement or is this restricted to a small subset of urban India?? I have no doubt that India has changed-somewhat. Every society changes. But the point I was making is that in the majority of the country, exploitation and abuse of women is still rampant and this cuts across all classes, education levels and wealth levels. This happens in the west too, but there are more safeguards that give women the option to divorce their husbands, without being driven into destitution or being ostracized by society at large.
Rishad
Rishad M. Faruqi MBBS, FRCS(Eng), FRCS(Ed)
Department of Vascular and Endovascular Surgery
Kaiser Permanente Medical Center
710 Lawrence Expressway.
Santa Clara CA 95051 (USA)
There are no statistics to prove anything- what cooper is referring to is
happening-MAYBE- in as you call the ELITE class- the majority of women in india still suffer indignation in all respects everyday & that includes the upper crust of the society for divorce is still a taboo here ,divorced men are thought to be monsters n women as easy game for evrybody...
DR(CAPTAIN) RAJEEV RANJAN
CONSULTANT ORTHOPEDICS
HARSH HOSPITAL
B2/25 JANKIPURAM RING ROAD
LUCKNOW (UP) INDIA
no matter where in the world
a married person,man or woman is generally happy
so ,one should try to get married,setled,have a family
and work,in the realtionship constantly to give respect to each other,and remain happily married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cooper
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