THE GREY IN LIFE !
While we were all too busy, enjoying the four letter words of Delhi Belly and admiring the return of the angry old ( oops........young)man in Budha Hoga Tera Baap,a lovely art movie from parallel cinema, I Am came and went, unsung, unheard and may be unseen ,like so many other good art films. Like Seven Feathers, I Am too is a collection of four independent stories where the director has touched four burning socio-legal issues which really don’t have a right or wrong answer and are far beyond the Black and White shades of life, but their cause, effects, implications and solutions ,all are grey. The movie has beautifully touched the various aspects of four very pertinent contemporary issues ,Single mother, Jammu and Kashmir issue, Paedophilia and homosexuality.
The first story is of a young Bengali couple, where the wife, played superbly by Nandita Das, is very keen for a child while the husband keeps avoiding the issue till one day the wife discovers that he not only has an extra marital affair but was also going to have a baby out of bedlock. She walks out of the marriage and decides to have a baby ,out of artificial insemination and be a single mother. But she is keen to meet the donor. In medical practice it is ethically not permitted to disclose the identity of the sperm donor but she forces the doctor, as she rightfully felt ,that she should meet the biological father of her child. She even extends the offer to the boy, a medical student who is a regular sperm donor, to feel free later to come and meet the child. Momentarily she reconsiders her decision of being a single mother, but decides to go ahead but she drops the address and number of the donor, so that she may not be able to contact him in future.
The second story is of a Kashmiri pandit girl, played by Juhi Chawla who has been forced to leave her home along with her family and settle in Delhi. After her father’s death and the death of her uncle in Srinagar ,by terrorists, she is going back to sell her ancestral property to an old muslim family, who have been the caretakers. Trying to forget her past, she insists on talking in English or hindi and refusing even to understand Kashmiri .She meets the daughter of the muslim family ,played by Manisha Koirala who is her childhood close friend. Their son ,who is a reformed terrorist, is also there, leading a life of a paralytic and still under close vigil of the security forces. She meets their old grocery shopkeeper, to buy dry-fruits and while comfortably talking to him, suddenly realizes that his son had killed her uncle. She visits her old house with her friend, and walks down memory lane alone, her childhood, the attacks and then the escape in the middle of the night. She is stunned to see the restrictions and loss of privacy of the locals in Srinagar and ends with an emotional heated argument with her friend on the their decisions and those of the two families in life, in the prevailing circumstances.
The third story is of a gay Film director of Bollywood who is accused by his so called girlfriends for using his position to seduce the struggling boys on the casting couch He opens up to one of the girls and tells his story where he was regularly sexually abused from childhood by his step father and how he soon learnt to emotionally(or sexually) blackmail the paedophile, to fulfil all his desires and soon started liking the whole thing. His plight is touchingly summed in one line, when he says, I was a slut at thirteen ! He grows to become a gay and the day he felt he could be on his own he left home and came to Mumbai. He never went home again till he got frantic messages from his mother that the step father wanted to meet him before dying. He reaches after his death and tells the truth to his mother leaving her inconsolable, even though she refused to accept it as truth. I personally feel that if he had kept quiet all these years, he should have kept quiet now too, but probably he felt that his mother knew it all the time and was behaving blind. He was so hurt and considered the mother equally to be blamed, hence he did this, so that she too could feel the pain in the last years of her life.
The fourth is the story of homosexuals in metros .A well placed highly qualified gay, played by Rahul Bose, visits his old haunts and is seduced by a youngster. They go for a ride from the pick up joint, after dinner, and since they didn’t have a place to go they decide to park the car in a shady area and make it in the car. The director has been bold enough not only to depict gay sex vividly but added a hot long smooch too. A Policeman catches them and treats them as the hijras and gays are treated by them in the beaches n streets at night. The policeman not only abuses, beats and threatens them, he extracts all their belongings and money(almost all coming from Rahul Bose) and demands for more cash to hush up the issue. While the boy goes to withdraw money from Rahul’s ATM ,the policeman forces Rahul to oblige him with sexual favours. The boy tries to help Rahul, to prevent his status and agrees to surrender, while Rahul is let free. Quite sometime later, Rahul sees that boy again, seducing a man, and he confronts him ,telling him how bad he had done cheating him that night. On the earlier fateful night, Rahul, after being let free ,didn’t go home, but used his contacts to get a good lawyer and went to the police station to get that boy released, to find ,to his utter dismay that both the boy and the policeman were missing and then it dawns to him that they were in connivance. Rahul admonishes the boy for what he is doing, with any doubtful impact.
In a short duration, the movie has dealt with four major issues ,all of which have a great social and legal consequences but above all play a major role in the development of a person’s psyche. The storyline is strong and the screenplay realistic. The director has artfully used hinglish and the authentic language and dialect, including Bengali ,Marathi and Kashmiri and the dialogues are impactful. There is liberal use of four letter words, especially in the last story which is replete with hindi and Marathi abuses and vulgar language. The background music is soothing and the two songs have very meaningful lyrics. Not only the seasoned actors like Juhi Chawla ,Manisha Koirala, Nandita Das, Rahul Bose and Suri, did wonderful acting ,but even the other actors in minor roles did justice. The flow of the movie was spontaneous and deplete of any monotony and though it had four entirely different stories, they were beautifully merged with no abruptness at any moment. The editing was good and direction, flawless.
Besides subtly touching the increasing prevalence of extra marital affairs and infidelity, the first story highlights the trend of single mothers. In these times of woman lib and empowerment will men be redundant and unwanted soon? Shouldn’t a lady have the right to meet the person who is the donor for her insemination?? This may have an emotional connotation but has great legal implications. What if the gynaecologist does a poor job in matching the physical characteristics of the donor??? Isn’t it advisable never to be able to contact the donor and vice versa, to avoid any chances of attachments ????
The second story has nothing to do with the political aspect of the over two decades old J&K issue. It touches it emotionally. Who is to be blamed for keeping the issue alive at the grass root level ? who has suffered more, the Pundits or the Muslims??Who is better off, those who stayed back or whose who fled???Was it the correct decision to leave your home and business back and become refugees in a new city???? Shouldn’t a reformed terrorist and his family be left alone????? What is being done for the rehabilitation of those who fled and for the terrorists or those who lost their family members ?????? What is being done or rather why something is not being done to bring normalcy to the lives of those who are living in J&K??????
The issues raised and highlighted in the third story are the most important. Isn’t sexual child abuse usually by family members? How to protect children from paedophiles?? Can no one in and around the house be above suspicion other than biological parents(though at times fathers have been culprits)??? How to choose the right man for a second marriage to safeguard kids and property???? When and whom should a child reach out for help and what should he or she should do to prove the truth????? How can they be helped, specially counselling?????? How to prevent the child from developing emotional instability and altered sexuality ???????
The last story has once again expressed the plight of the gay community and their fears and dangers and how they are exploited by society, guardians of law and even by gays themselves. Are the gays to be blamed for what they are? Can they be rehabilitated, or rather do they need it?? Can making laws help them ??? Where should they find their partners ???? Can their sexual urge be curbed by treatment or counselling ?????
Should gays be so indiscriminate in choosing partner, time and place for sex?????? Is it justified to exploit and blackmail them ??????? what can be done to encourage them from coming out from their closet and to provide them social acceptance, which may solve most of the issues ????????
I Am is a superb movie which highlights the helplessness of individuals and society in various circumstances where one cannot really decide how to act or react and weather to accept the decisions of destiny or to fight them. The movie has depicted life as it is and its strongest point was the fact that it was non judgemental, it presented the stories in a matter of fact manner, expressing the inability to judge the characters for right or wrong ,as it is the case in life ,where things are often neither white nor black, but just the various hues of grey !As the very name implies, the bottom-line of the movie is that everyone should accept him or herself as they are and carry on with life !!
Dr Sanjay Kapoor Delhi
Friday, July 8, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
WHY ONLY DOCs
WHY ONLY DOCs !!!!!!
Doctors at one time were considered Demi Gods and many patients do so now too, but the reputation, status and respect for doctors is gradually deteriorating in the society .It is doubly sad to read and hear about this, firstly because the blame for all the faux pas of my profession, are put on the fragile shoulders of the Doctors and secondly all the doctors are considered to be same, The situation is so bad that the integrity of a doctor is compared to that of a lawyer or a policeman
In spite of being a very ardent believer and preacher of the principle, that every doctor should respect the faith ,that the patient, imposes on him or her, specially in a surgeon, in handing over one self, in a state of anaesthesia to be cut(operated) ,I cannot resist but put forward my views ,to defend the doctors.
We should all understand that, the doctor is ,just a very small part of any medical set-up, be it private or government, and is often as helpless and harassed as the patient ,if not more, by the system. Long queue, non availability of drugs, non functioning equipment, inadequate and inefficient para medical staff, improper care by nursing staff, waiting lists for surgery and bed crunch, the pressure from the hospital administrators in corporate world ,are all well beyond most of the doctors, most of the times.
Leaving an instrument inside the body, during surgery ,removing the wrong organ and at times prescribing wrong medicine, are mistakes, that should not happen by anyone, but as human as a doctor can be, they do happen, in spite of all checks for prevention, like any other mistakes that occur in any filed be it engineering, airtravel, marine or driving! We are human too, and liable to err, though we should try our level best to avoid such unwanted mishaps.
Doctors are there for providing medical help, but they have never claimed to be and are not Magicians! If your lifestyles swings from one end of overexertion to a totally mechanical and sedentary life leading to severe body ache, or if the stress of your life turns you into an insomniac ,the doctor has no alternative but to repeatedly prescribe pain killers and sedatives, even if you become an addict, specially if you are not willing to change your lifestyle. The Doctor can advice ,but cannot, exercise, diet or change a lifestyle for you, even if you can afford a personal physician for yourself !
Doctors are as human as anyone else and hence besides having all the human follies ,have desires and ambitions and commitments too .If a 20 year old undergraduate, with just a 3-6 months on the job training, can charge 200-300 rupees just to look up a TV, comp or a washing machine, why cant a 35 year old post graduate specialist charge a fee of Rs 500?Life of a pilot is tough, but there is no profession which is more taxing ,in physical, mental ,emotional and financial stress, as medicine, and an average doctor is minimum ten years behind his counterparts in any field, in terms of designation, earning and comfort .And most of the doctors do not earn as much as most people think they do, and the earning is definitely less than ,the others at that age and stage ,in any other career.
Medicine is a noble profession ,and we all respect the faith of the patients in us, and though we must all ensure to avoid any situation that may endanger the life of a patient or worsen the condition, we need a little more compassion from the clientele ,in recognition of the stress under which a doctor works normally, and at least of a common man, who wants to earn a living and can err too!
Dr Sanjay Kapoor Lucknow
Doctors at one time were considered Demi Gods and many patients do so now too, but the reputation, status and respect for doctors is gradually deteriorating in the society .It is doubly sad to read and hear about this, firstly because the blame for all the faux pas of my profession, are put on the fragile shoulders of the Doctors and secondly all the doctors are considered to be same, The situation is so bad that the integrity of a doctor is compared to that of a lawyer or a policeman
In spite of being a very ardent believer and preacher of the principle, that every doctor should respect the faith ,that the patient, imposes on him or her, specially in a surgeon, in handing over one self, in a state of anaesthesia to be cut(operated) ,I cannot resist but put forward my views ,to defend the doctors.
We should all understand that, the doctor is ,just a very small part of any medical set-up, be it private or government, and is often as helpless and harassed as the patient ,if not more, by the system. Long queue, non availability of drugs, non functioning equipment, inadequate and inefficient para medical staff, improper care by nursing staff, waiting lists for surgery and bed crunch, the pressure from the hospital administrators in corporate world ,are all well beyond most of the doctors, most of the times.
Leaving an instrument inside the body, during surgery ,removing the wrong organ and at times prescribing wrong medicine, are mistakes, that should not happen by anyone, but as human as a doctor can be, they do happen, in spite of all checks for prevention, like any other mistakes that occur in any filed be it engineering, airtravel, marine or driving! We are human too, and liable to err, though we should try our level best to avoid such unwanted mishaps.
Doctors are there for providing medical help, but they have never claimed to be and are not Magicians! If your lifestyles swings from one end of overexertion to a totally mechanical and sedentary life leading to severe body ache, or if the stress of your life turns you into an insomniac ,the doctor has no alternative but to repeatedly prescribe pain killers and sedatives, even if you become an addict, specially if you are not willing to change your lifestyle. The Doctor can advice ,but cannot, exercise, diet or change a lifestyle for you, even if you can afford a personal physician for yourself !
Doctors are as human as anyone else and hence besides having all the human follies ,have desires and ambitions and commitments too .If a 20 year old undergraduate, with just a 3-6 months on the job training, can charge 200-300 rupees just to look up a TV, comp or a washing machine, why cant a 35 year old post graduate specialist charge a fee of Rs 500?Life of a pilot is tough, but there is no profession which is more taxing ,in physical, mental ,emotional and financial stress, as medicine, and an average doctor is minimum ten years behind his counterparts in any field, in terms of designation, earning and comfort .And most of the doctors do not earn as much as most people think they do, and the earning is definitely less than ,the others at that age and stage ,in any other career.
Medicine is a noble profession ,and we all respect the faith of the patients in us, and though we must all ensure to avoid any situation that may endanger the life of a patient or worsen the condition, we need a little more compassion from the clientele ,in recognition of the stress under which a doctor works normally, and at least of a common man, who wants to earn a living and can err too!
Dr Sanjay Kapoor Lucknow
Thursday, June 30, 2011
SOCIAL NETWORKING
The population on the net world or the virtual world is increasing everyday and so is the insecurity and irritation of the remaining world which seems to be overreacting to social networking and Cyber-relationships
Social Networking in any form is a healthy past time, if done without compromising on work and family .Its a great destressor and can be indulged into, at any place, without any major infrastructure. It is not only a great and simple means of staying in touch with family, relatives and friends but one not only makes a large number of new virtual friends, who often become real friends, but gets aware of what’s happening in the world. You can voice your thoughts, discuss problems and express your views. Doing this often solves many personal issues as you find answers to your problems in life from experiences of others.
Being naughty and glad-eye is normal human nature. We all have our fantasies, good, bad and even ugly. Flirting or even sex-chatting on net is not socially acceptable, but has a large clientele and is definitely not infidelity. The spouses, mainly wives often get scared due to insecurity and over reaction. The funny part is that they won’t object to the hubby going for golf ,to stag parties or the bars, where he may actually indulge in real flirting or womanizing, but will object to his, being on the net, interacting with real and virtual friends, while not only being at home, but sitting next to her. The funniest part is that the wives often object, while themselves being on the net !
Every individual, married or single has right to his or her emotional, romantic and sexual fantasies. The last two of these often do not have the spouse in it, Net gives an outlet to these fantasies, but it’s as harmless as watching or reading pornography.
Net cannot be blamed for extramarital affairs, as persons inclined to it, will indulge in it, irrespective of net-sex. In fact, those spending time on net and social networking systems, will rarely have time for real infidelity .People indulging in net-chat to any extent, can be sincere spouses and those not practicing it, and are not above infidelity.
So spouses crying and worrying over the fear of losing their life partners to the net-world, should take it easy and rather try to be part of it ,with or without the partner and try to give those virtual discussions and fantasies, a reality in life.
And the bottom line is that every person has a right to his or her breathing space including a friend list, in life or in the virtual world. The extent however to be within the social norms and acceptance by the spouse depends on the faith and trust in the relationship
Sanjay Kapoor
Social Networking in any form is a healthy past time, if done without compromising on work and family .Its a great destressor and can be indulged into, at any place, without any major infrastructure. It is not only a great and simple means of staying in touch with family, relatives and friends but one not only makes a large number of new virtual friends, who often become real friends, but gets aware of what’s happening in the world. You can voice your thoughts, discuss problems and express your views. Doing this often solves many personal issues as you find answers to your problems in life from experiences of others.
Being naughty and glad-eye is normal human nature. We all have our fantasies, good, bad and even ugly. Flirting or even sex-chatting on net is not socially acceptable, but has a large clientele and is definitely not infidelity. The spouses, mainly wives often get scared due to insecurity and over reaction. The funny part is that they won’t object to the hubby going for golf ,to stag parties or the bars, where he may actually indulge in real flirting or womanizing, but will object to his, being on the net, interacting with real and virtual friends, while not only being at home, but sitting next to her. The funniest part is that the wives often object, while themselves being on the net !
Every individual, married or single has right to his or her emotional, romantic and sexual fantasies. The last two of these often do not have the spouse in it, Net gives an outlet to these fantasies, but it’s as harmless as watching or reading pornography.
Net cannot be blamed for extramarital affairs, as persons inclined to it, will indulge in it, irrespective of net-sex. In fact, those spending time on net and social networking systems, will rarely have time for real infidelity .People indulging in net-chat to any extent, can be sincere spouses and those not practicing it, and are not above infidelity.
So spouses crying and worrying over the fear of losing their life partners to the net-world, should take it easy and rather try to be part of it ,with or without the partner and try to give those virtual discussions and fantasies, a reality in life.
And the bottom line is that every person has a right to his or her breathing space including a friend list, in life or in the virtual world. The extent however to be within the social norms and acceptance by the spouse depends on the faith and trust in the relationship
Sanjay Kapoor
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
ALL TO BE BLAMED
ALL TO BE BLAMED
All of us are talking and even shouting against corruption and dishonesty..............and it is a very good thing to happen. But have we realized that we all are party to it............we all indulge in it, in some form, in giving or in taking.........in cash or kind or in form of favours .Be it passport ,railway ticket, driving licence, affidavit etc................we don’t mind spending a little extra, to save time or a trip. And maybe don’t mind taking favours too.............the malaise has made a chronic existence in the system and in our lives...............and reminds me of a story, which my Dad told me, when I was small and which was told to him by my grand mom
Once there was a King. He was not only powerful, but very successful and was liked and loved by all. He loved his mother very much and one day he asked her....What more can I do to make you happy? Kings mother was uneducated and she replied, Beta maine suna tha ki achche raja ke raaj mein doodh ki nadiyaan behti hein. (I have heard that milk flows in rivers in the reign of good kIngs).
The king ordered a canal to be made in Rajpath and declared that it will be filled by milk. The canal would be maintained by the royal treasury, but as a sign of solidarity, a bucket of milk will be added by every family of the capitol initially. The canal was ready and an auspicious day was chosen for the inauguration.............All citizens of the capitol attended and after the chanting of Shlokas, the king’s mother poured the first bucket of milk. The Rajpurohit then asked the others to pour their milk...................but all stood with their buckets, without moving.
All men had brought water in their bucket, thinking that the others will bring milk and will stealthily mix my bucket of water in it without getting caught
This is where we stand today.............all blame the rest and all are waiting for others to become honest. If each one of us, becomes honest, a major chunk of the problem will be sorted out by itself and gradually in the coming years we will have a honest and corruption free nation
Wake up Indians................Charity begins at Home!!
Col (Prof) Sanjay Kapoor VSM, Lucknow
All of us are talking and even shouting against corruption and dishonesty..............and it is a very good thing to happen. But have we realized that we all are party to it............we all indulge in it, in some form, in giving or in taking.........in cash or kind or in form of favours .Be it passport ,railway ticket, driving licence, affidavit etc................we don’t mind spending a little extra, to save time or a trip. And maybe don’t mind taking favours too.............the malaise has made a chronic existence in the system and in our lives...............and reminds me of a story, which my Dad told me, when I was small and which was told to him by my grand mom
Once there was a King. He was not only powerful, but very successful and was liked and loved by all. He loved his mother very much and one day he asked her....What more can I do to make you happy? Kings mother was uneducated and she replied, Beta maine suna tha ki achche raja ke raaj mein doodh ki nadiyaan behti hein. (I have heard that milk flows in rivers in the reign of good kIngs).
The king ordered a canal to be made in Rajpath and declared that it will be filled by milk. The canal would be maintained by the royal treasury, but as a sign of solidarity, a bucket of milk will be added by every family of the capitol initially. The canal was ready and an auspicious day was chosen for the inauguration.............All citizens of the capitol attended and after the chanting of Shlokas, the king’s mother poured the first bucket of milk. The Rajpurohit then asked the others to pour their milk...................but all stood with their buckets, without moving.
All men had brought water in their bucket, thinking that the others will bring milk and will stealthily mix my bucket of water in it without getting caught
This is where we stand today.............all blame the rest and all are waiting for others to become honest. If each one of us, becomes honest, a major chunk of the problem will be sorted out by itself and gradually in the coming years we will have a honest and corruption free nation
Wake up Indians................Charity begins at Home!!
Col (Prof) Sanjay Kapoor VSM, Lucknow
Thursday, March 10, 2011
THE MISUNDERSTOOD MALE !!!!!!!!!!!
Since the time of Adam and Eve, there have been certain misconceptions about the Men! The general image, on man has always that of a emotionless ,ruthless, unromantic, insensitive and irresponsible human being, who loves to be left to himself, or with his male friends ,to enjoy his sports and TV and hates going out, partying and shopping, who is having a ball of a time, in the family, at the cost of the women, and all that this sex-maniac expects from a woman is sex and more sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With all my sincere regards to all the caring, sensitive and emotional ladies, and my respect for their concerned love ,I shall try to touch this eternal story of the GENDER MYTHS ,and at least try to partially break the harsh image of the male gender, in several aspects of life.
Men are very sensitive,caring and emotional,though the ways of expressing may be different and less obvious than the woman. And YES, men cry too! But they are judicious with their feelings and tears and save them for appropriate and deserving moments!!Forgetting dates, or not rattling the expected three worded 143s four times a day, does not make them unromantic. They have their subtle ways of expressing love and romance, which usually goes unnoticed by their better half, who lack the ability to read in between lines, and are deaf to the unsaid sweet nothings! But men are not just saintly goody-goody either. They love gossiping, bitching and even plotting!
Men don't dislike shopping, but they hate window shopping! They would not only accompany women for shopping but actually enjoy meaningful shopping for the seasonal wardrobe for the entire family, gifts on festivals and occasions, and even the monthly grocery or the weekly poultry, but they actually hate mundane, compulsive shopping, especially if further poisoned with queuing for unrequired purchases at sales and involving futile haggling.
Men make better friends, with a meaningful bonding which can last for a life-time and love socializing too, but with people, they gel with. One thing that they cant do is small talk and mixing ,more for a social cause and would rather enjoy an intelligent interactive conversation, than a party full of pretentious page 3 celebrities.
Men are good home makers too,and generally contribute significantly in the running of the house by rendering all possible help to the working wife. They are undoubtedly as loving and doting a parent as the mother can be, and I wouldn't hesitate in adding that not only they contribution significantly in the upbringing a child, their role as a father is often more challenging than the mother, specially during the teens and the adulthood of the children.
With working women, being almost the norm, women are sharing a great deal of the financial load, but the man generally shoulders a bigger share of the stress and overall responsibility of creating a compatible and congenial balance between the work places, home,family and society and in the settlement and future of the kids
Lastly coming to the biggest accusation, that the man faces of being perpetually sex starved. I agree.men love sex. and enjoy it, and find it to be a great tension buster, but unlike the women they are man enough, to accept it openly. Woman need and enjoy sex, as much if not more and have their shares of desires, fantasies and even indulgence, but its just they want to keep it, within their heart, or max within the bedroom!
Men have been a misunderstood lot, and shall continue to be so, and after some time they just give up and stop worrying about their indifferent and in sensitive image or doing anything to change it. But on behalf of all the men,I would like to tell the ladies, that most husbands love their wives a hundred times more than what they can show or express and definitely a thousand time more than what the wives think !
Sanjay,Lucknow
Since the time of Adam and Eve, there have been certain misconceptions about the Men! The general image, on man has always that of a emotionless ,ruthless, unromantic, insensitive and irresponsible human being, who loves to be left to himself, or with his male friends ,to enjoy his sports and TV and hates going out, partying and shopping, who is having a ball of a time, in the family, at the cost of the women, and all that this sex-maniac expects from a woman is sex and more sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With all my sincere regards to all the caring, sensitive and emotional ladies, and my respect for their concerned love ,I shall try to touch this eternal story of the GENDER MYTHS ,and at least try to partially break the harsh image of the male gender, in several aspects of life.
Men are very sensitive,caring and emotional,though the ways of expressing may be different and less obvious than the woman. And YES, men cry too! But they are judicious with their feelings and tears and save them for appropriate and deserving moments!!Forgetting dates, or not rattling the expected three worded 143s four times a day, does not make them unromantic. They have their subtle ways of expressing love and romance, which usually goes unnoticed by their better half, who lack the ability to read in between lines, and are deaf to the unsaid sweet nothings! But men are not just saintly goody-goody either. They love gossiping, bitching and even plotting!
Men don't dislike shopping, but they hate window shopping! They would not only accompany women for shopping but actually enjoy meaningful shopping for the seasonal wardrobe for the entire family, gifts on festivals and occasions, and even the monthly grocery or the weekly poultry, but they actually hate mundane, compulsive shopping, especially if further poisoned with queuing for unrequired purchases at sales and involving futile haggling.
Men make better friends, with a meaningful bonding which can last for a life-time and love socializing too, but with people, they gel with. One thing that they cant do is small talk and mixing ,more for a social cause and would rather enjoy an intelligent interactive conversation, than a party full of pretentious page 3 celebrities.
Men are good home makers too,and generally contribute significantly in the running of the house by rendering all possible help to the working wife. They are undoubtedly as loving and doting a parent as the mother can be, and I wouldn't hesitate in adding that not only they contribution significantly in the upbringing a child, their role as a father is often more challenging than the mother, specially during the teens and the adulthood of the children.
With working women, being almost the norm, women are sharing a great deal of the financial load, but the man generally shoulders a bigger share of the stress and overall responsibility of creating a compatible and congenial balance between the work places, home,family and society and in the settlement and future of the kids
Lastly coming to the biggest accusation, that the man faces of being perpetually sex starved. I agree.men love sex. and enjoy it, and find it to be a great tension buster, but unlike the women they are man enough, to accept it openly. Woman need and enjoy sex, as much if not more and have their shares of desires, fantasies and even indulgence, but its just they want to keep it, within their heart, or max within the bedroom!
Men have been a misunderstood lot, and shall continue to be so, and after some time they just give up and stop worrying about their indifferent and in sensitive image or doing anything to change it. But on behalf of all the men,I would like to tell the ladies, that most husbands love their wives a hundred times more than what they can show or express and definitely a thousand time more than what the wives think !
Sanjay,Lucknow
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
ARUSHI MURDER CASE & HONOUR KILLING
>ARUSHI MURDER CASE--------------HONOUR KILLING !!!!!!!!!<
Honour Killing is the latest fade in India and almost tops the list of existing social evils. After the so called encounter deaths, Honour Killings are the in-thing. Indians are very good at picking up and emulating bad things and that is exactly what has been happening in the last few years
Honour killing is a death punishment given to someone by the family of the local panchayat or villagers for bringing shame to the family, clan or the village. It was earlier being used as a local punishment for someone who was a serial crimnal, a thief, a conspirater, a rapist or a murderer. But gradually its significance got diluted and it is being used for trivial crimes like eve teasing,wearing western clothes, girls mingling with boys, love affairs, love between children of lower and upper castes,inter caste or intra gotra marraiges, marraiages within the family in outside muslims, premarital sex, getting pregnant before marriage .These were always considered bad but the maximum punishment for these to those concerned and their families was out casting actual or virtual (hukka –pani band hona) and payment of some fine in form of money or a feast to the whole village.
Some where someone killed the accused, intensionaly or unintentionaly, and it gave way to the introduction of this most gruesome form of punishment .Its popularity has spread like fire, and now almost daily you hear about atlaest one or two such deaths. Many have happened, right under the nose of the police and in the knowledge of the guardians of law and order. It is even more disgusting to see that it is not only the villagers but often the family, including the parents are party to it. It is also being mis used as encounter deaths have been exploited in the past. On many occasions, deaths under shady circumstances are being given the name of honour killing and on the other side, well planned homicides to take revenge or to set even some past rivalry, and are being presented as honour killing too.
To my small brains,Arushi murder case looks like honour killing too. The case has been lingering since long and has again come to light, after its recent closure and immediate reopening, with parents being the prime suspects. Both the parents of Arushi were involved in some form of unwanted activities which may be extra marital affair, group sex or even wife swapping. In their busy professional schedule and the other activities, there was little time they could devote to Arushi, who was mostly alone at home with the servant. In this scenario she probably found a listener in the servant who later became a friend. She and probably even the servant were aware of the nefarious activities of the parents. And the parents knew about this and use to lock Arushi’s room at night, though she could open it. In these circumstances what I think that would have happened on that fateful night may have been as follows
Arushi would have let the servant in the room, and on whatever pretext, they had sex.the parents heard the noise and entered the room. Seeing what was happening or had happened, the father killed the servant in rage, instantaneuosly with a golf stick. When Arushi would have reacted to it, and when her parents confronted her, she would have brought forth their activities. This would have angered the father more and in his rage, fear, embarrasment and reaction to Arushi’s indulgence with the servant, he killed her too and then tried to cover up the case and destroy all evidence
Weather it was an Honour killing or not, time and law alone will tell, but this case and the presently prevalent honor killings are inter related and point fingers towards parents. Parents need to be more serious about parenting and careful about the upbringing of the child and try to ensure that no such unwarranted incident happens that may precipice the need of a judgment or punishment which may be as cruel as death. And when judging the children, teenagers or younsters,th elders and specially the family members and parents should at least once think, of what they are going to do. Parents give life, don’t take it and hence the very idea of them being party to the killing of their child or even being a silent observer is so repulsively oxymoronish.The other day, I stopped watching my favorite TV serial, when someone in it, hit his grown up daughter and so I and probably every normal loving parent would condemn this and put in all their endeavors to stop this social evil that is bringing disgrace in name of honour
Col ( Prof ) Sanjay Kapoor
Honour Killing is the latest fade in India and almost tops the list of existing social evils. After the so called encounter deaths, Honour Killings are the in-thing. Indians are very good at picking up and emulating bad things and that is exactly what has been happening in the last few years
Honour killing is a death punishment given to someone by the family of the local panchayat or villagers for bringing shame to the family, clan or the village. It was earlier being used as a local punishment for someone who was a serial crimnal, a thief, a conspirater, a rapist or a murderer. But gradually its significance got diluted and it is being used for trivial crimes like eve teasing,wearing western clothes, girls mingling with boys, love affairs, love between children of lower and upper castes,inter caste or intra gotra marraiges, marraiages within the family in outside muslims, premarital sex, getting pregnant before marriage .These were always considered bad but the maximum punishment for these to those concerned and their families was out casting actual or virtual (hukka –pani band hona) and payment of some fine in form of money or a feast to the whole village.
Some where someone killed the accused, intensionaly or unintentionaly, and it gave way to the introduction of this most gruesome form of punishment .Its popularity has spread like fire, and now almost daily you hear about atlaest one or two such deaths. Many have happened, right under the nose of the police and in the knowledge of the guardians of law and order. It is even more disgusting to see that it is not only the villagers but often the family, including the parents are party to it. It is also being mis used as encounter deaths have been exploited in the past. On many occasions, deaths under shady circumstances are being given the name of honour killing and on the other side, well planned homicides to take revenge or to set even some past rivalry, and are being presented as honour killing too.
To my small brains,Arushi murder case looks like honour killing too. The case has been lingering since long and has again come to light, after its recent closure and immediate reopening, with parents being the prime suspects. Both the parents of Arushi were involved in some form of unwanted activities which may be extra marital affair, group sex or even wife swapping. In their busy professional schedule and the other activities, there was little time they could devote to Arushi, who was mostly alone at home with the servant. In this scenario she probably found a listener in the servant who later became a friend. She and probably even the servant were aware of the nefarious activities of the parents. And the parents knew about this and use to lock Arushi’s room at night, though she could open it. In these circumstances what I think that would have happened on that fateful night may have been as follows
Arushi would have let the servant in the room, and on whatever pretext, they had sex.the parents heard the noise and entered the room. Seeing what was happening or had happened, the father killed the servant in rage, instantaneuosly with a golf stick. When Arushi would have reacted to it, and when her parents confronted her, she would have brought forth their activities. This would have angered the father more and in his rage, fear, embarrasment and reaction to Arushi’s indulgence with the servant, he killed her too and then tried to cover up the case and destroy all evidence
Weather it was an Honour killing or not, time and law alone will tell, but this case and the presently prevalent honor killings are inter related and point fingers towards parents. Parents need to be more serious about parenting and careful about the upbringing of the child and try to ensure that no such unwarranted incident happens that may precipice the need of a judgment or punishment which may be as cruel as death. And when judging the children, teenagers or younsters,th elders and specially the family members and parents should at least once think, of what they are going to do. Parents give life, don’t take it and hence the very idea of them being party to the killing of their child or even being a silent observer is so repulsively oxymoronish.The other day, I stopped watching my favorite TV serial, when someone in it, hit his grown up daughter and so I and probably every normal loving parent would condemn this and put in all their endeavors to stop this social evil that is bringing disgrace in name of honour
Col ( Prof ) Sanjay Kapoor
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
PSYCHOLOGY OR MARITAL LOVE
During a seminar, a woman asked a common question.
She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"
I noticed that there was a man sitting next to her so I said,
"It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"
Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind..
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse.
You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience.
You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...
Because it's happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that __expression.
It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship.
Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens)
and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage
you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage..
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?"
And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfilment.
Extramarital fulfilment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious.
But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.
And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.
Because .. listen carefully to this
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON
IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience.. It'll NEVER just happen to you.
You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out.
That's why we have the __expression "the labor of love."
Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM.
You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery.
There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships.
Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship
WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect.
If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... You can "make" love.
Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.
"No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by CHOICE.”
She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"
I noticed that there was a man sitting next to her so I said,
"It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"
Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind..
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse.
You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience.
You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...
Because it's happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that __expression.
It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship.
Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens)
and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage
you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage..
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?"
And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfilment.
Extramarital fulfilment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious.
But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.
And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.
Because .. listen carefully to this
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON
IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience.. It'll NEVER just happen to you.
You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out.
That's why we have the __expression "the labor of love."
Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM.
You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery.
There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships.
Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship
WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect.
If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... You can "make" love.
Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.
"No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by CHOICE.”
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